UPF INTELLIGENCE BRIEF
SUBJECT: Transcript of a speech delivered by The Supreme Commander during his weekly staff meeting, outlining his latest plan.
Gentlemen, once again, we have been thwarted in our attempts to conquer the world by the infernal meddling of the United Peace Force. Once again, we have been driven back into seclusion to regroup and rearm. This I’m afraid has become part of a predictable and all too humiliating pattern: I devise an ingenious plan, we begin preparations and when the time comes, we execute, only to have our machinations crushed shortly after being set in motion. On our more fortunate days, we come within minutes, sometimes seconds, of victory before a multi-national strike force intervenes. For too long we have fought on the losing side of this war, but now I say enough! No more shall we suffer the all encompassing shame of defeat, for I, your Supreme Commander, have crafted a plan so foolproof, so imaginatively clever, so staggeringly brilliant, that it is sure to succeed.
This plan, gentlemen, can be summed up in one word, squirrels. Yes, you have heard me correctly, my loyal minions, squirrels. I have recently engaged the services of one Dr. Alverez, a renowned and, fortunately, avaricious expert in the field of animal behavior. Dr. Alvarez assures me that give enough time and resources, he can deliver an army of whatever animal I choose. And I have chosen squirrels.
Now, I imagine some of you are wondering why I would choose such a lowly and non-threatening creature. Why not choose gorillas? Or tigers? Why not get clever and teach the gorillas to ride the tigers? Surely a cavalry made up of tiger mounted gorillas would be a truly formidable force, perhaps even invincible. I assure you that this has indeed crossed my mind, but the gorilla tiger army presents a few ultimately, unsolvable problems. First, and most important, a proper army would require many thousands of soldiers, though with animals of abundant ferocity, this number could be reduced to mere hundreds. Even so, I fear that finding gorillas in sufficient quantity would prove difficult, as well as exceedingly costly. Even if I were, by some fortuitous circumstance, able to acquire the animals in sufficient quantities, I would then be left with the quandary of where to house the beasts. And I would require that the animals be properly cared for, as I would need them to be in top physical condition and find animal cruelty so distasteful. The second major problem is stealth, or rather, lack there of. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you that it would be rather difficult for a gorilla riding a tiger to move about a major metropolitan area inconspicuously. Within minutes of deploying such a force, both the media and the authorities would be alerted. While I’m confident that the tigers and gorillas could dispatch any interference with ease, I fear that the delay would allow our target time to prepare for out arrival or retreat, thereby wasting thousands of hours of preparation. No, I fear that an army of gorillas and tigers is simply unfeasible.
Now squirrels, however, do not present so many difficulties. First, they are abundant and can be acquired cheaply. If we spread out our collection efforts around the country, we could easily build an army of formidable size and strength without arousing the suspicions of the UPF. Given squirrels’ reputation of being a nuisance among those who have taken up bird watching or gardening, we might even turn a small profit by collecting them under the guise of a pest control company. Also, due to their compact size, it would be possible to house the entire army in one or two warehouses. Dr. Alverez has also informed me that the cost of care and feeding of squirrels is nominal.
The true advantage of squirrels though, is in their stealth. You see, since squirrels are ubiquitous on this continent, most people, even the ever-vigilant security personnel who have proven to be troublesome in the past, hardly notice them. Our army could travel silently through the city, infiltrating even the most tightly secured bases. Imagine the possibilities for our standard abduction missions. Normally, we would spend months observing our target, arranging for one of our men to join the security detail, and preparing an assault, only to be thwarted at the last minute. With squirrels, the prep time is greatly reduced, as is the risk to our people. I estimate that a pack of twelve highly trained squirrels could easily dispatch a security detail, as they are very quick and have extremely sharp teeth. Once the security detail has been dispatched, the squirrels could then drive the target towards a designated spot where our retrieval crews will be waiting in disguise. I predict that our preparation times will be reduced by seventy-five percent and that our rate of success will greatly increase.
Gentlemen, our day of victory draws near. Soon your hard work, and sacrifice shall be rewarded and you shall reap the spoils of our global domination. Until that day, keep up with your duties and watch for squirrels. We will soon be launching a bonus program for the delivery of live squirrels. H.R. is still finalizing the details. They have been overwhelmed ever since the last UPF raid destroyed our servers. Until next time gentlemen, that is all, good day.
ESTIMATED THREAT LEVEL: 0-1
SUGGESTED ACTION: Continue to monitor development of the program in case it produces technology worth acquiring, or we need to thwart a plan to secure our budget.